....of course..

this is why I tried to say it was my dad..that we should break up..

in the process I was called a fucking bitch
whore
liar
hypocrite
starts games

then he told me loved me..

I am just going to let it all go...I'm numb...

Anyways..there is no time in his life to hear about my feelings so I will hear his..and he has a lot going on in his life...so I will be there..I promised him when we got together to always be there for him..and just because he broke his promise(s)..doesn't mean I need to break mine.

I just have to keep reminding myself..its only one year left...

Current Mood: numb

Things are blahhh right now.

Main issue being- my boyfriend

To explain it in a dramatic way- crossroads. I have such mixed feelings right now....so on new years he sent me a very sweet email..that I prob read 10000 times...and I replied back with what I considered a very sweet response..but I found it in his trash mail..and didn't get a response...
It is nice he sends an email with so much warmth..but then..the after reaction..is not what I consider sweet..

Next- I asked to Sonya to give him my message about the movies....so I checked his chat to see if she told him..and she didn't instead all they talked about was partying..and how he needs another "girl"....let me tell you that is exactly what I need to read..watever
I then see he is promoting for a lingerie party

Man I don't know if I can take this partying thing..its hard..when he doesn't offer a hand or understand how I feel. He says he does..but he doesn't.

The past few days I have been very observant with my sourroundings...at the game..there were obviously so many couples there..and I was watching the way they sat..they way they acted...just to see..and all i can say..is I was jealous..jealous..I didn't have that..
My cousin in law..was here this weekend..and her and Ali are going to get married on July 4th..but just them..he was so sweet to her..always talking to her..everything..and Niraj says he understands I want more than a nomal relaitionship..how is he suppose to give me that..if he cant give me a normal relationship? He never calls..and I really do get that he is busy with family..but seriously? I was too yesterday..and I had plenty of oppurtunities to call..but..I held back because I will not put the effort anymore.

I wish the times he didnt have much..and all he could give me was his love..I miss how he would run to me..or hold me..and I would be the one to say "Niraj..people are watching..stop" but now..its all me I feel...I miss how he would do anything to spend time with me..and when we were together..his true and only focus was me..and now its like EVEN the internet is a distaction..I dont get it..

Call me weak but how much can I take? It's been almost 7 weeks..in which I have cried almost daily about my dad..but recently..I find my tears to be about him..

I called last night..after not talking ALL DAY..and he was like..I will call u tmw kay? and I am sitting there thinking..thats all? He can't wait for me to say bye..he just hangs up on me..gosh just writing this is making me cry again

This is SUPPOSE to be a new year..a fresh start....

When I ask him something or tell him how I feel..he tells me I am horrible..I don't get him..and he uses excuses like his family..or his dad..or his minutes..or he just will be on to be "on" but he doesnt say anything anymore..he tries to feed me with mushy talk..but even that seems forced.. I can't tell him anymore how I feel..and I can't blame him either.

I honestly think..this is my own fault..I made him this way..or something? what else could it be?
I think I am going to tell him my dads stuff has gotten me very overhwelmed and I just can't do a relationship right now..because it isnt his fault..and I need to get stronger..

I can't stop crying.. I need to call him and do it now..
this needs to stop..I can't breath

Current Mood: depressed

So I deleted my previous post because they were depressing and just not who I am. It's time time to start over..to be somebody new...to forgive the people that have hurt me and forget all the bad things. There is so much more to life...

Updates:
One year till I leave GA..sounds so weird..but I think I am ready for a new environment

Dad situation has really effected me. I find it hard to be happy? I cant explain the way I feel inside, but I really wish I had someone who was going through the same thing so I could get help or advice. I feel like there isnt a point to talk to someone who doesnt get it..because all they can say is don't worry..and well..that doesnt help much.

I am getting close to old friends which makes me happier..I need to stay close to them..they made me who I am. :)

Best friend? I think i am a little over the phrase..I can say I have good friends..but the cloesest one to me right now is Khushboo. She is the only one I really can be myself around. She is funny and very down to earth..and cares a lot about me. Sonya is also a good friend..but sometimes her descions with life I cannot really agree with.

Niraj- we are together..and we are trying to build our relationship. I care a lot about him and really would put everything on the line if need be.

School- I ended up getting one B..which I am really upset about..so I will kick ass next semester..welll..let's hope

Problems:
Leaving GA..means leaving family..leaving friends like Khushboo..leaving my past...leaving Niraj..just thinking about it scares me..

Dad- I can't see pain in the eyes of those close to me..I find myself crying myself to sleep..I wish I had someone to talk to..someone who understood my pain

Old friends? I feel like I have to compromise my value systems to keep them? what do I do?

Close friends? Prathna..I dont know her deal..

Niraj- He's great..but I feel like I am losing him? He is so busy lately..which isn't his fault..so maybe things will get better? I feel like I chase after him..but at this point..I don't mind..I like him a lot...I don't want to lose him..but can I love him again the way I did if it will stay this way?  There is a lot on my mind about this situation..but I can't find words...I wish I could tell him it ALL and he would actually GET what I was saying..but he fights with me a lot..and right now..I can't deal with a fight..

School- 20 hours this semester? ahahaha I think I am going to DIE....


Plans:
Take a trip to DC this semester..to maybe visit my brother..get fresh air..and see the city

got to jettttttttttttttttttt.....will update later