Things are blahhh right now.

Main issue being- my boyfriend

To explain it in a dramatic way- crossroads. I have such mixed feelings right now....so on new years he sent me a very sweet email..that I prob read 10000 times...and I replied back with what I considered a very sweet response..but I found it in his trash mail..and didn't get a response...
It is nice he sends an email with so much warmth..but then..the after reaction..is not what I consider sweet..

Next- I asked to Sonya to give him my message about the movies....so I checked his chat to see if she told him..and she didn't instead all they talked about was partying..and how he needs another "girl"....let me tell you that is exactly what I need to read..watever
I then see he is promoting for a lingerie party

Man I don't know if I can take this partying thing..its hard..when he doesn't offer a hand or understand how I feel. He says he does..but he doesn't.

The past few days I have been very observant with my sourroundings...at the game..there were obviously so many couples there..and I was watching the way they sat..they way they acted...just to see..and all i can say..is I was jealous..jealous..I didn't have that..
My cousin in law..was here this weekend..and her and Ali are going to get married on July 4th..but just them..he was so sweet to her..always talking to her..everything..and Niraj says he understands I want more than a nomal relaitionship..how is he suppose to give me that..if he cant give me a normal relationship? He never calls..and I really do get that he is busy with family..but seriously? I was too yesterday..and I had plenty of oppurtunities to call..but..I held back because I will not put the effort anymore.

I wish the times he didnt have much..and all he could give me was his love..I miss how he would run to me..or hold me..and I would be the one to say "Niraj..people are watching..stop" but now..its all me I feel...I miss how he would do anything to spend time with me..and when we were together..his true and only focus was me..and now its like EVEN the internet is a distaction..I dont get it..

Call me weak but how much can I take? It's been almost 7 weeks..in which I have cried almost daily about my dad..but recently..I find my tears to be about him..

I called last night..after not talking ALL DAY..and he was like..I will call u tmw kay? and I am sitting there thinking..thats all? He can't wait for me to say bye..he just hangs up on me..gosh just writing this is making me cry again

This is SUPPOSE to be a new year..a fresh start....

When I ask him something or tell him how I feel..he tells me I am horrible..I don't get him..and he uses excuses like his family..or his dad..or his minutes..or he just will be on to be "on" but he doesnt say anything anymore..he tries to feed me with mushy talk..but even that seems forced.. I can't tell him anymore how I feel..and I can't blame him either.

I honestly think..this is my own fault..I made him this way..or something? what else could it be?
I think I am going to tell him my dads stuff has gotten me very overhwelmed and I just can't do a relationship right now..because it isnt his fault..and I need to get stronger..

I can't stop crying.. I need to call him and do it now..
this needs to stop..I can't breath

Current Mood: depressed